Saturday, February 25, 2017

Sometimes I wish ...

Sometimes I wish I were a cat.
Mr. Moose 

Well, not just any cat.  I wish I was one of my spoiled cats.  This does pose one of those issues that may lead to a rupture of the space / time continuum ... if I am the cat, then I cannot possibly be the servant assigned to spoil me ... ...

I really wonder if it's normal to wish I was a cat, or a hawk, or something else ... or someone else.

That's tough to think about ... being someone else.  If I were someone else, then I would likely not have ever met my beautiful Pam.  I may not be married.  I may not even be alive.

If I was someone else, then I would not have had the job where my Moose kitty first adopted me.  Or maybe I would have had the job, but he would not have trusted me the way he did ... I never would have taken him home.

If I never took him home, then Little One may never have popped onto our patio ... and she would never have met her best friend ... her big brother of sorts ... her protector.

But still, sometimes I wish things were different.

I find it funny when others tell me how thankful I should be for what I have ... when those who seem to be in a much better position than me try and guilt me into being thankful because I have so much more than so many others.  I can quiet them very easily with one simple question ...

"Do you want to trade?"

The truth is I would not want to trade with them.  I have many issues, but they are my issues, and I have sort of gotten used to them.  I don't necessarily like them, but I am used to them.  My problems sometimes cause me a lot of pain, but I am learning to cope with it.

Learning ... I haven't mastered the art of being Tiffanie.  I haven't quite learned how to let go of some things so they no longer weigh me down in mind and spirit.  I don't have all the answers, and I never will.  It is a daily struggle ... sometimes hourly ... and sometimes the struggle is a full on battle.

I sometimes stare at the hawks and I'm awestruck.  How does it feel to soar overhead and see the world from above the treetops.  I imagine the freedom ... the exhilaration.  Then I remember ...

I remember that I do have a fear of heights.  Being a hawk would not be a good solution for me.
Prissy sleeping

But being one of my spoiled cats ...

Cats are strange creatures.  They are so fiercely independent, yet they expect me to feed them at the right time ... they want me to play, or just to cuddle and pet them.  They sometimes ask to be combed, but they always act disgruntled while I'm combing them.  They need their personal space, but they tolerate each other being around.

Well, maybe cats are not so strange after all.  So many people I know are the same way.  They complain about something until they get it; then they complain that it isn't what they really wanted.

A cat's life may be a bit boring, anyway.  They sleep whenever, and pretty much wherever they want ... they make a mess when they
eat and don't bother cleaning up ... I bet they stare out the windows and wish they could be running around outside ...

Holy cow ... I just described my life for the past several months.  Well, I do try to clean up some when I make a mess eating ... sometimes

Sometimes I wish I could go back in life and relive the years, provided of course that I know everything I know now.

Just imagine how wonderful things would be if I could go back and not make the same mistakes ... if I could take advantage of certain financial situations, or advance further and faster at my job ...

No ... I can't imagine that.  It is much more in my nature to see the damage I could do ... to see that changing one thing could cause Pam and me to never meet ... to realize that gaining money from the stock market may cause me problems that I am not ready to, or capable of dealing with.
Little One

The cat idea sounds more and more appealing.

I wonder if cats enjoy every moment for what it is ... a lazy moment, a cuddle moment ... a lonely moment.  I wonder how annoying it feels when kitty litter gets stuck in their paws.  Do they look at the toilet and think, "Lucky humans?"  I wonder if they ever get tired of having such a sensitive sense of smell, but they don't have a lot of options on cleaning themselves after using the litter box.

Alright ... the cat idea won't work for me ...

It is fun to wonder ... to daydream.  It can be a welcome break from a tedious day.

Most of my days blur into each other lately.  The monotony ... the pain ... the frequent discord in my head.  I often wonder if people believe me about the pain.  Do they believe it is all in my head?  Do they think I am pretending? ... Sometimes I wonder the same thing.  Is it real?  Then I have a day like today, and I realize it is all too real.

Loki (in back) and Thor
Despite the stresses, I have a good life.  If dealing with depression, or pain, or other issues is what is required for me to enjoy the time I have with Pam, my mom or my cats, then it is well worth it.

But, sometimes I wish ...


Monday, January 9, 2017

And so it begins ...

This is BS, a feral cat
that has adopted us.
You would think I would have a lot to say ... or for that matter, know what to say.

I have kept a blog for a few years.  Mostly I wrote about all the little issues ... trying to deal with life, my depression and a few other issues.  I made my last entry in my previous blog about a year ago.  It was actually supposed to be a launching point for more entries throughout 2016 ... it just didn't work that way.  That entry was made just before everything I knew was so drastically changed.

I really cannot get into a lot of details on some of 2016 ...

Actually, I do not want to wallow in the events of 2016.  So many 
things happened.  There was good and bad ... highs and lows.  

My nature draws my memory to the things that did not go well ... things that I had 
little or no control over, but I still occasionally beat myself up for the outcome.  I guess that's one reason I added a picture of the latest addition to the crazy cat lady collection.

Well, BS is sort of a member of the family.  He stops by almost every day for some food, and lately to sleep on our patio ... especially when it is raining, or cold.  BS is short for Brown Siamese.  My niece calls him Mocha ... Pam and I thought about calling him Sy ... my mom came up with BS, and it fits.

So now it is 2017.  I am not a fan of New Year's resolutions.  If something is a goal, then it should be a goal all year long.  If something comes up in May or September, then I should do what I can to make the best of it at that time ... it doesn't even make sense to wait until the new year.

Also ... if I do have a setback, then I should want to stand up and dust myself off as quickly as I can.  If I just throw my hands in the air and quit because I fell short of a goal ... or because I self sabotaged myself, then I will never accomplish much of anything.

One of the rare trips to the beach.
Such a beautiful sight 
So my first entry in this new blog winds up being a ramble.  Get used to it ... most of my writing is rambling ☺

I am starting this blog to have a place to write ... to ramble ... to share my photos ... maybe even voice my opinions, or my memories, or other stories that pop into my head along the way.  I do not plan on making a schedule.  I may write a new entry several times in one week, then not post anything for a while.

My blog, my rules 😈

2016 ended with this rainbow.  To me it is a sign that the year long emotional storm may be ending.